I’ve been told that I’m outgoing, easy to talk to, and seem very sociable. These are all true but also false. I use all of my mental energy when I first meet a person-I am totally present and I am the best version of me. Unfortunately, this is me around 10% of the time. In reality, I’m a recluse. I like staying at home and I can go without seeing anyone for an oddly long amount of time. Of course I get lonely (who doesn’t?) and that’s usually when I dip my toes into the social world and confide in the few but understanding friends that I have. The only person I see daily is my boyfriend, who I live with. And even he knows that I need personal space quite a bit.
I see people go out with their friends multiple times a week and to that I think: how exhausting? I don’t know about you but my mental juices run out and I feel drained after being around people (even those I love) for too long. I’ve always worried about it and so have my parents. Even in high school, I would rarely go to sleepovers or the movies with the rest of the girls. I preferred to be at home, with my books. Or with a pen and paper. I think I’m getting better. Not that being a socially inactive person is a disease or anything. I just think I’m opening myself up a little bit more. I say yes to more things and try to rub off that mentally drained feeling I’m so accustomed to. Maybe it’s an excuse for laziness? Not sure.
But if I’m perfectly happy and content with how I am, why do I always get the feeling that I need to be more out there? Whenever I see people I know experiencing all these new things with all these other humans, I can’t help but feel like I should be doing the same. Sometimes I exert too much energy around people-I try too hard to please them and be the best friend they can have during that time, and then I’m left with wanting a good nap and some solitude. Maybe I should learn to chill. Not be so tense around even the closest friends I have, not be so careful with what I say so I don’t offend anyone since I’m afraid of judgement. Now I’m starting to think about my confidence. Yikes.
Meh. I’m turning 26 this weekend and will be spending it solely with my boyfriend and myself. I’ll officially be in my late-20’s I suppose. Woop!
If you read all of this, damn, good for you. x