life of a recluse. // thoughts


I’ve been told that I’m outgoing, easy to talk to, and seem very sociable. These are all true but also false. I use all of my mental energy when I first meet a person-I am totally present and I am the best version of me. Unfortunately, this is me around 10% of the time. In reality, I’m a recluse. I like staying at home and I can go without seeing anyone for an oddly long amount of time. Of course I get lonely (who doesn’t?) and that’s usually when I dip my toes into the social world and confide in the few but understanding friends that I have. The only person I see daily is my boyfriend, who I live with. And even he knows that I need personal space quite a bit.

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I see people go out with their friends multiple times a week and to that I think: how exhausting? I don’t know about you but my mental juices run out and I feel drained after being around people (even those I love) for too long. I’ve always worried about it and so have my parents. Even in high school, I would rarely go to sleepovers or the movies with the rest of the girls. I preferred to be at home, with my books. Or with a pen and paper. I think I’m getting better. Not that being a socially inactive person is a disease or anything. I just think I’m opening myself up a little bit more. I say yes to more things and try to rub off that mentally drained feeling I’m so accustomed to. Maybe it’s an excuse for laziness? Not sure.

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But if I’m perfectly happy and content with how I am, why do I always get the feeling that I need to be more out there? Whenever I see people I know experiencing all these new things with all these other humans, I can’t help but feel like I should be doing the same. Sometimes I exert too much energy around people-I try too hard to please them and be the best friend they can have during that time, and then I’m left with wanting a good nap and some solitude. Maybe I should learn to chill. Not be so tense around even the closest friends I have, not be so careful with what I say so I don’t offend anyone since I’m afraid of judgement. Now I’m starting to think about my confidence. Yikes.

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Meh. I’m turning 26 this weekend and will be spending it solely with my boyfriend and myself. I’ll officially be in my late-20’s I suppose. Woop!

If you read all of this, damn, good for you. x

 

paige

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