life of a recluse. // thoughts


I’ve been told that I’m outgoing, easy to talk to, and seem very sociable. These are all true but also false. I use all of my mental energy when I first meet a person-I am totally present and I am the best version of me. Unfortunately, this is me around 10% of the time. In reality, I’m a recluse. I like staying at home and I can go without seeing anyone for an oddly long amount of time. Of course I get lonely (who doesn’t?) and that’s usually when I dip my toes into the social world and confide in the few but understanding friends that I have. The only person I see daily is my boyfriend, who I live with. And even he knows that I need personal space quite a bit.

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I see people go out with their friends multiple times a week and to that I think: how exhausting? I don’t know about you but my mental juices run out and I feel drained after being around people (even those I love) for too long. I’ve always worried about it and so have my parents. Even in high school, I would rarely go to sleepovers or the movies with the rest of the girls. I preferred to be at home, with my books. Or with a pen and paper. I think I’m getting better. Not that being a socially inactive person is a disease or anything. I just think I’m opening myself up a little bit more. I say yes to more things and try to rub off that mentally drained feeling I’m so accustomed to. Maybe it’s an excuse for laziness? Not sure.

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But if I’m perfectly happy and content with how I am, why do I always get the feeling that I need to be more out there? Whenever I see people I know experiencing all these new things with all these other humans, I can’t help but feel like I should be doing the same. Sometimes I exert too much energy around people-I try too hard to please them and be the best friend they can have during that time, and then I’m left with wanting a good nap and some solitude. Maybe I should learn to chill. Not be so tense around even the closest friends I have, not be so careful with what I say so I don’t offend anyone since I’m afraid of judgement. Now I’m starting to think about my confidence. Yikes.

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Meh. I’m turning 26 this weekend and will be spending it solely with my boyfriend and myself. I’ll officially be in my late-20’s I suppose. Woop!

If you read all of this, damn, good for you. x

 

paige

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11 thoughts on “life of a recluse. // thoughts

  1. I feel the same way when it comes to exerting energy around people. I don’t understand how they can hang out together every single day…I love the company of one maybe two people, but books are the best friends I’ll ever have.

  2. Some people feel energised around people the way we feel at home cuddled in that special blanket in complete silence. Different strokes.
    Life’s too short to make yourself unhappy by conforming to other people’s ideals.
    If you really want to, make a point to go out with friends at least once or twice a month. It will be enough to socialize without being overwhelming.

    1. Love this. Totally agree with you. I find myself always trying to see how I can become something I am simply not. And yes to the once/twice a month. Its something I currently stick to and am enjoying it. Xx

  3. Same omg! Sometimes I feel like being around people sucks energy from me, I’m much more comfortable on my own. I’m 22 now and I just started to accept that I’m a loner and I’m so tired of feeling guilty for it. My family was concerned as well. Honestly reading your post made me feel like I was the one wh written it. I guess we are really similar. I never met someone like me, I really thought I was the only one! Glad I’m not. Love, Mimi
    blushydarling.com

    1. Mimi, thanks for your comment! We are definitely not alone-I know a lot of people who are just better at being alone. I’m coming to accept it and still learning. Im so happy you related to my post. Much love babes xx

  4. I can relate so much to you! I also can go a long time without seeing people, other than my son and boyfriend. I don’t like going out with friends all the time either. It’s so mentally exhausting! I love my friends but I’m totally the same where I feel like I always have to be my best me even if I’m not really feeling it. I always go out of my way to make sure the person I am with is feeling comfortable and happy to the point where I’m sacrificing my own comfort and happiness and causing myself unnecessary stress!

    Lately I find when I want to hang out with my friends, we just do something low key and chill at home. It’s not a total solution but I feel much better in a home environment than in public, I find. I have such anxiety in public so that never helps!

    1. Girl, you feel me! You seem to be on my wavelength with social activities. My friends usually want to go for a drink or to the bars and I’m like nope. Haha.
      So yes, doing things at home help significantly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts-I love hearing from people who feel the same way as me. And even from people who feel the opposite and love being around people. Just goes to show that we are all different and just gotta do what ya gotta do. So much love xx

      1. I get bad anxiety at bars or anywhere there’s crowds of people! I never go to bars anymore. Home is where the heart is. XD I loved reading your thoughts also. ❀

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